*Youtuber Voice* Let's Talk... 😩

*originally posted July 3rd, 2019

I went outside today and it was like a ~thing~ and July is a ~thing~ and the Eclipses are a ~thing~ too, so I’m going to talk about me because my Throat Chakra is fucked and one of the biggest blocks I have is that I’m afraid to talk about shit that is about ME.

Basically, I went outside, like out into the backyard, out into nature, even though it was very hot and there were bugs, and I had an accumulative epiphany about all my bullshit and why my bullshit has been so bullshitty lately. 

It has a lot to do with my strings being cut. If you’ve gotten a personal reading with me before you might have gotten a long drawn out explanation of how certain cycles of soul progression occur internally and then reflect externally, and along with that we have cycles where we are very obviously being guided by the Universe or our Guides, which is then followed by a time where the SOUL has complete and total control and you are essentially guiding yourself. That’s me right now and it’s really fucking annoying.

When you’re being guided — or ME. When I’m being guided it feels like I’m a puppet and I can literally feel those strings attached to my arms and legs, I can feel myself being pulled here and there, having things shown to me, everything is laid out. It feels like that because my Guides know what I HAVE TO DO, they know the contracts, the mission statements, the purpose, the fate, the destiny, all that shit that I can’t consciously remember and put together on my own. They pick me up and put me down in places but I still have to consciously walk in the door, take the path, say the words, meet the people, whatever. It’s a balance, but when I’m very aware that I’m being guided and it’s very obvious to me that this is going to play out exactly as I’m being shown, I trust it and I go with it.

And that is a new thing for me, tbh. It wasn’t until after my mom died that I was like, oh… that’s a thing. I knew this was going to happen because it had to happen because this is going to shoot me off into a whole new situation that I need to align with. I was really fucking scared about it, I don’t like change, I don’t like new things, I’m an asshole like that, but after a year of hell, I literally had no other choice but to trust it and fully put my faith into what I was being VERY CLEARLY guided to do. I went through all the motions, moved in with my grandparents, got a job, met all these people, worked on my anxiety, and then in a very weird and not at all my doing kind of way people started asking me for tarot readings at work. Then they suggested doing a shop, and it was one of those things that was like whispering in my ear like, “yeah, go with that, you need to do that.”

There was a whole lot of other shit happening within me intuitively, energetically, on a soul level that was really propelling that as well, but when it came down to it I was trusting myself only because I knew someone or something else beyond me had my back. I was being pushed to do certain things, and was being shown that if I did it this would happen and that would happen, and then those things would actually happen. So, in a way there’s almost that kind of curiosity on my end of treating it like an experiment where I was just like if I follow this and actually go through with all these little things with no hesitation, will I actually see the results that they are promising me? And guess what, I did. Literally down to the finest details. 

So, I have trust, and I guess even though it sounds cheesy, I have faith and a very strong belief in my ability to get the words of my Guides and move forward with them as my template or my guidelines, my map.

BUT!!!

What the fuck am I supposed to trust and have faith in when they decide to cut the strings because this phase of my ~mission~ or my ~purpose~ is over? Me??? Myself??? I??? Lol, sure, yeah, okay.

Like, no offense to me, but I fucking suck. 

I mean, I don’t suck, but like…. >.> You know…

Objectively speaking, if I were to step outside of myself and look at me, I definitely do NOT suck. Like, you guys don’t know me personally, but if you could see where I was just two years ago versus where I am right now you wouldn’t even be able to comprehend what the hell happened. It literally looks like I woke up one day and decided to change my entire life and then I just DID after years and years of not being able to do ANYTHING. From the outside looking in, I fucking rock, I’m the baddest bitch you’re ever going to come across, but from the inside, I see myself as a puppet who just lost it’s strings and is sitting there like, “Oh… I’m a real person now.”

My soul is in charge now and it’s more about what I WANT to do rather than what I HAVE to do, and I don’t know how the fuck to cope with that. I don’t think anyone does. Like, if you think about it, society and shit is really that conscious level puppet master that we all have to deal with, and even if we say we want to break away from it and be our own person, think for ourselves, fend for ourselves, be true individuals, we’d all lose our shit if we didn’t have that map, those guidelines, those milestones, those boxes, and labels. 

We can rebel against it all we want but socially and consciously, we want that shit. We really fucking want it because it gives us that feeling of being the puppet, of having those strings picking us up, feeling a bit more weightless because, in some respects, we don’t want to have to think for ourselves because then we don’t have to put the blame on ourselves when shit goes wrong. It’s society that is corrupting us, it’s our parents, it’s religion, bla bla bla, excuses excuses.

So, that’s just a thing that we have, it’s part of being human, but on SOUL level, when the strings are cut, the strings are cut. There’s not another set of strings to pick up and attach yourself to, there’s not a soul college following soul high school, it’s just you, and you’re in charge, and there are no other people, systems, or ideas outside of yourself that can dictate where you go from there, even if on a temporary basis.

And the thing is, when I see that shit for other people in personal readings, it looks amazing because I’m always shown it as them being able to do ANYTHING that they want to do and their Higher Self, their Guides, the whole fucking Universe will lay out every path they can to make sure they get what they want. It’s like a reward for doing the work that you were guided to do. You did what you HAD TO and now you get to do what you WANT TO. That’s fucking insane, that’s amazing. 

But ME — I’m just sitting here looking at all this cool stuff I have now, looking at Blue Moon Punch, looking at how I’ve changed, looking at all that I’ve done in such a short amount of time and I’m just ragging on myself like, “lol, I didn’t do this, they did it. My Guides did it. They pulled the strings. I can’t maintain this on my own. It’s just going to fall apart.”

Objectively, however, I’m like, “BITCH????? YOU did the WORK. They gave you the instruction manual but YOU did the fucking WORK.” 

And then I question the whole thing like I don’t have the manual anymore, so what? Like, I’m such shit because I disregard the fact that I don’t need a fucking manual anymore specifically because I learned already how to use these tools, how to put things together. Like, that’s the whole thing, that’s the whole reason I get to do what I WANT to do — because I CAN. Like???? Come on, ME, stop being an idiot.

Now, why is this happening? Right? That’s the whole thing that I was curious about when I went outside — Why can’t I function like this? Why am I more anxious about this, why am I so completely fucked over the idea of having to do things on my own in a sense? And really, it’s not about being on my own, because obviously, my Guides are still there, it’s just that I’m in control. I’m the authority in my own life and I’m like LOL about it.

One of the revelations that I had while sitting outside for the first time a million years was that I tend to second guess myself a lot because other people have kind of always forced me to do that in a lot of ways in a lot of different scenarios. Everything in my mind goes back to the word “Brat” because that’s what I was called whenever I ~overly expressed myself~ such as throwing tantrums or hitting people, running away, not wanting to be around people when I was really little. 

I know, ME, I know that I was always acting a fucking mess as a little kid because I was being sexually abused by three dudes in our apartment complex while also being severely bullied in school by a bunch of older kids while having no friends. I knew that but having everything I did as a cry for help (which is all a 6-year-old can do honestly) be dismissed as, “she’s just being a brat” really taught me to question my own perception of things. Like, is that kind of stuff really that bad? Am I overreacting? Am I really just being a brat? 

Learning that at a very young age around that kind of thing just built up this filter for EVERYTHING else. I was always very hyper-aware of other people, how they were looking at me, how they talked to me, and how they talked about me. I would like test the waters and mention things, see how they react, try to express myself in one way or another, but as you can imagine, I’ve always been a bit fucking weird with my talking to dead people and interest in the occult upon other things. 

So, I’m very squished inside myself, I’m very careful about what I show to people, what I say, how I say it, even with my family. ESPECIALLY with my family — they’re all Cancers and Geminis, aka Big Mouth Betty’s who love to talk to everyone about everything. 

You see, shit like that that gets pressed into your brain when you’re really young can just fester into this giant thing that touches everything that you experience in life. With the blog, I’m always afraid to be as direct and as clear as I could be specifically because I feel like I’m giving you something personal. I’m giving you my interpretation, I’m giving you my perspective, which I see as potentially being “overdramatic” or “too much” or just flat out wrong. 

I trust myself to receive the information but I don’t trust myself to express it in a way that makes everyone else happy, or that makes me look not entitled, not crazy, not a “brat”, even though that’s so far away from the point of it. 

Even though I try to keep everything objective, I still have that pride and that need to overcompensate for that insecurity that I feel towards my own validity in all areas of my life. I really can’t help but think of everything that I do as being representative of me as a whole person. Like one reading that I post on the blog defines me for that entire week in my head. That’s all I am to everyone until I post something else. All of my thoughts, words, and actions define my entire being, my entire life, moment to moment — that’s how I see it. I don’t exist anywhere else.

And that’s true for everyone, that’s why we dress up to go places and put on friendly faces and voices for a job interview, that shit matters. But for me, more personally, it almost feels dangerous to come off like “too much” because when I was little being “too much” cost me my entire childhood, my mental and physical health, and my sense of security within myself. I genuinely feel so vulnerable and so at risk every time I post something or say something, talk about anything relating to deeper shit, because I see it as a reflection of me in my entirety, and I see ME as the foundation of everything I built. 

Actually, that’s a good way to describe it. I feel like I took all the bad bits, everything I hated, and I turned it into the dirt and I built all of this stuff up on top of it. I put myself underneath all of this awesome and righteous shit, and every time I put something out, every time I say anything to anyone, I feel like I’m exposing my foundations. I feel like I’m giving you the opportunity to just start hacking away at my foundations with scrutiny and criticism, which in my mind will bring everything crumbling down. Like, in my head, one bad review on my shop is going to destroy everything and I’ll have no job and I’ll be back living in horrible conditions. Or I’ll do a predictive reading and it doesn’t turn out the way I said it would and suddenly all my validity is gone and everything else that I have put out is null and void. 

Someone sent in an ask about why I keep things so vague, and there was much more to it than that, but I was focused on that bit today while I was outside, and I was real with myself about it. I usually say that I keep things vague because I want to respect the privacy of the celebrity and idol’s that I do readings on, and that is true, but there’s some shit that I leave out specifically because it’s too specific, it’s too on the nose, and I go back to that feeling of, “well, if I’m wrong, I’m fucked.” My credibility is on the line, my foundations are at risk, red alert, shut it down. 

And when I think about it, that’s such a gross and weird manipulative tactic. Like, it’s not so dramatic where I’m literally feeding you guys bullshit, but I do hit a wall on occasion where I pull back and have to either completely remove things or paint them in a way where I pretend to be confused by it so that if I’m right, lucky me, if not, then, well, I just wasn’t seeing it right. That’s literally so fucking weird to think about, but that’s what I do. I can guarantee you, if there’s a part in a reading on the blog where I say “I don’t know how to explain it” or “This confused me,” it probably didn’t, I was just afraid of being as blatant about it because it was probably coming through really, really clearly and I was like, lol no. 

But see, in personal readings I don’t really do that because it’s one-on-one, and I don’t feel so exposed. There’s that whole aspect of consent as well where the person paid for a reading, their energy is open, I’m open, we’re exchanging information and it feels a lot more stable, and I feel like I — ME — can trust THEM to not rip me apart. Whereas doing a reading for the blog, I’m putting someone else who has not given me concent on blast to people who could rip us BOTH apart. So, there’s that weird filter that I put up and that they (the celebrity or idol) put up because we’re both going in like, lol, we’re not safe, but let's see if we can help each other out here.

Like, I’m such a sensitive bitch omg. Criticism to me is so much more than just being told that I’m wrong or that something isn’t as good as it could be, but I still don’t see it as an attack necessarily because I never feel the need to defend myself. I’ll defend myself only when it comes to someone telling me that I’m not doing the work. Like if you come at me and try to tell me I don’t spend enough time on these readings or that I don’t put any effort in or I don’t really care about it, I’ll fucking clap back so fast, like watch the fuck out. You can NOT tell me that I don’t do the work, but you absolutely could tell me that my work is shit and pointless, and I will absolutely believe you. 

Legit, I worked three weeks on those monthly readings, and I was so excited about them because it would be something really cheap that anyone could get. They were really detailed, and I used a new deck with them, and it was going to be the new THING. Like, I was really hyping myself up and I was like, yeah, this is going to be great because it’s the eclipses and everyone’s going to really get something from these, and since I’ll be making a bit of money from that I can take a break from personal readings and get things around for the blog and do some work. Like I was really out here living on cloud fucking nine with that shit, and then I LET SOMEONE tell me they weren’t worth the money and that I was a bad person for thinking I deserved to be compensated for the work that I put into those.

Like, I just LET SOMEONE tell me what was up in a matter of two minutes whereas my SOUL was telling me what’s up for three weeks prior. The second I felt like I was being called a “brat” I folded so quick, like all of that build up just went away because I LET SOMEONE put me back in that headspace.

If we really boil that down, that’s why I’m shit and that’s why I don’t think I can handle being in charge. It’s so easy to completely throw me off because in a lot of ways, I’m still stuck in the past, still insecure, still very willing to let people tell me what I am and who I am, and that’s not okay. And I know I have to process it, I have to literally dig up those foundations, get all that shit out of the soil and let it go, but I’m like so stupidly aware of my vibration and my soul progression and where I am and what I’m trying to do, that I just get so scared that if I go back to that, if I face it AGAIN, that I’m just going to get sucked in and then there’s no going back. It’s all going to crumble again and I just won’t have it in me to build it all back up on my own without the strings, without the guidance.

Like I would give anything to feel the way I felt when we were working on the Soul Body stuff for BTS and when I was really pulling together parts of the soul group. Like I was in my element then and I really felt good about what I was doing and I wasn’t so afraid to put stuff out there, but that was only because I was being guided to do so. I was in that state of pure trust in what I was being shown and it was being validated by how people started to find the blog and how everything played out with the healing, and the results of it. Like it was trust and validation back to back, non-stop, but now I’m in a phase where I have to learn to trust and validate myself on my own.

I have so many ideas and plans for BMP, all of which sprang up FROM MY FUCKING SOUL a month or so ago when I felt those strings get cut and I KNOW they are things that I WANT to do, and I feel so good about them, and the monthly readings were one of them, but I get so in my head and I get so nervous about what other people are going to think, how am I going to look, how am I going to fuck this all up? 

So, bAsICaLlY, I want to experiment again, as in doing what I did in the second half of 2018 where I completely put my faith in my Guides to guide me, but this time around really go with my soul. Like full on, whatever gives me that excited, tight chest, adrenalin kind of feeling, I’m going to do everything in my power to pursue and see it through. And since I can get in my head about shit, I’m only holding myself to it until the end of the year (and hopefully shit will have turned out well enough that I’ll just be in that headspace well into 2020 as well). 

I invite you guys to do that as well, even if it’s just a little bit. Pay attention to your SOUL. Whenever you get one of those ideas or you come across something that makes you excited. Like, just that kind of shit that makes your heart race and immediately floods your brain with inspiration and images of opportunities and abundance, and all that kind of stuff — pursue it. We, as people in society, are so quick to shut things like that down because it’s considered childish to be that excited about something, or we think of certain things as being impossible or out of reach, and just… WHY? 

When you feel shit like that, when it’s like about to all explode out of your chest, that’s your SOUL. Your SOUL is reacting to you finally, on a conscious level, catching something that it’s been throwing at you for days, weeks, months, or even years. If it feels like too much or something that you can’t do, keep in fucking mind that there’s not a damn thing that is within reach or easy to do for anyone ever. The only thing that’s really scary is the idea of doing something outside of your comfort zone, and what’s outside of your comfort zone is what’s outside of that map, it’s anything that removes your strings. 

None of us want to live with strings but sometimes it’s necessary, but when you have the opportunity to cut them off, even in one area of your life, try to embrace it. Try to move with that feeling and DO IT. Again, I’m presenting this challenge for myself only for the last 6 months of the year, and just imagine how things can change in that amount of time. In 2017, within three months alone, I went from living in a roach-infested house with no running water and not a dime to my name to living in my own apartment (which is owned by my grandparents by whatever) with a job and money coming in. Shit really can change like that overnight even if you’ve been down and low for a long, long, long time. 

Fully 100% I’m using this post as a way to kind of commit myself to this, to honoring myself and to putting my own inner guidance and awareness over external factors that may only exist in order to bring me down and stop me from moving forward. I really do want you guys to try it as well and I want you to check out the monthly readings (available here) because a lot of them did have stuff regarding changes and really stepping into your power, and I think they still stand up for what they are.

In addition to that, I have two videos here to share from Aluna Ash and Olivia of OJC Astrology. These videos both came out today and they both really resonated with me after my little outdoor escapade of self-awareness and other fuckery. I think at least one of them will hit home with every person that read this far down. 

And that’s all I guess, thanks for reading. :)